If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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