I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
