I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
