Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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