I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Everyone says I win the strip club
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
