sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
