my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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