So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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