i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
