Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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