i just wanna soil my oats bro
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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