how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
