A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
