So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
