If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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