6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
