last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
