Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
