I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
