If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
