so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
