I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
