Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
