but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
