You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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