once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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