I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
