somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
