me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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