a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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