does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Soap is not a condiment
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
