she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
