Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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