I skipped work to stalk him.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
