I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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