how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
