did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
