I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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