i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
