two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
