got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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