I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
