Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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