Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There r osticjed everywhere
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize