My cat gives me a boner
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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