I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
