Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
