How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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