there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
