Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
