I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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