There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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