what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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