obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize