It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
