i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
