She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
