I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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