I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
