I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
