Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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