I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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