If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
