yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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