sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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