i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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