Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize