I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
