Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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