i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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