and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
