Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
